Agent Lightning and the Disorder of the Toad
by Sage Lightning
Summary: An interdimensional being known as Agent Lightning suddenly appears in the Great Hall during the Golden Trio's fifth year at Hogwarts, along with several characters from other universes. Mass chaos, Ron bashing, and Slytherin bashing ensues, and the Wizarding World will never be the same again. Rated M for swearing and random explosions and other crazy stuff like that.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing used in this crappy excuse for a fanfic.**

_Sage Lightning Presents,_

_A crack-fic that's not supposed to make any sense at all_:

**Agent Lightning and the Disorder of the Toad**

Chapter One: Bullshit House

Hogwarts, end of the Fourth Year...

The students, teachers, and families of Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang were gathered in the Great Hall, listening to Dumbledore's end of the year speech. As he was about to conclude, Professor Trelawney began standing up in an ethereal way.

"Yes, Sybill?" Dumbledore asked.

"**We are all fucked.**" Trelawney began in a harsh tone of voice.

The Hall became absolutely silent, either out of confusion or sudden attentiveness.

"**The arrival of the Agent of Chaos and King of Bullshit draws near. Appearing out of nowhere at the start of the next school year, he shall utterly destroy all he hates, shame all that annoy him, and screw with the plot that our Goddess Rowling worked so hard to create. None in this world can stand against him, but he will fight against one who can. The wizarding world is so fuuuucked**!"

And with that Trelawney somehow burst into flame and exploded, killing 50,000 Slytherins and leaving a huge crater where half of Slytherin Table once was.

"Fifty thousand? Even I think that's bullshit!" Ron screamed at the ceiling as Dumbledore started repairing the Great Hall with his wand.

"Fifty thousand what?" Harry said while glancing at Ron like he was crazy.

"That's what the narrator...whatever, never mind..."

Hermione started gaping at Ron.

"Ron! You can break the Fourth Wall! That's amazing! Someone needs to study that power of yours!"

And so it was that Ronald Weasley spent the entire summer in agonizing discomfort as witches and wizards from the Department of Mysteries thoroughly examined him. On the bright side though, the Weasely family received a large sum of money in compensation.

First Day of the Fifth Year...

The Witches and Wizards of Hogwarts were once again assembled in the Great Hall, impatiently awaiting the sorting ceremony. One person in the room was in a particularly foul mood, however.

"Why did you have to open your fucking mouth, Hermione?" Ron said through the bandages that covered his entire body.

"But the Wizarding World-"

"Fuck you, Herminone, and fuck the wizarding world!"

"Hey, only I'm allowed to tell the wizarding world to fuck itself!" Harry said in a fit of indignant rage as he waved a Daily Prophet at Ron's face.

"Quiet, they're starting the ceremony!" Hermione shushed them as the Great Hall doors opened.

The hall went silent as the new students started walking through the door. The silence was broken by nervous whispering when it became obvious that some of the new students weren't eleven years old.

"Who the bloody hell is that?!" Ron said loudly.

Ron was suddenly yanked onto his feet by the subject of his inquiry, who had a iron grip on his throat. Ron stared in terror at the strange man, whose right eye was sporting an odd device.

"I'm Vegeta, the oaf next to me is Nappa-"

"Fuck off Vegeta!" Nappa roared.

"-and you're going to be our bitch if you don't shut the hell up!" Vegeta finished with a malicious smirk directed at Ron

And in response to the deadly duo, Ron passed out and soiled his bandages.

"Pathetic!" Vegeta roared as he tossed Ron's body back onto the table.

Harry and Hermione just stared as the two overpowered Saiyan warriors began taking their place in line closer to the front of the hall.

"Well hello..."

Harry jumped as a disheveled-looking man with green hair, an ugly scar across his jaw, and white paint covering his face addressed him from a few feet away. He was wearing a matching purple suit.

"Oh..."

"Nice scar. I do want to know how you got it."

Harry got pissed in a hurry.

"Fuck you!" Harry shouted as he whipped his wand out and pointed it at the Joker.

"Oooh...quite the temper you've got there. But how about a magic trick of my own?" The Joker said as he pulled out a pencil and pointed it at Harry.

"Leave him alone!" Hermione demanded, but suddenly frowned as she thought she heard an unfamiliar voice echo the same words.

Hermione turned to look further down the line and saw a white eyed, blue haired, pale skinned girl about the same age as herself glaring at the Joker. They briefly glanced at each other before nodding at each other in common recognition of one's motives. The sharp chime of silverware against glass diverted two of the Golden Trio's attention from the strange new comers, and Ron regained consciousness. Dumbledore stood up from his seat at the staff table.

"Welcome back to another year of magical education at Hogwarts! To those returning, I trust you had a pleasant summer?"

Nods and a middle finger from Ron were his answer.

"Well, as you all can see, we have some rather...unusual newcomers this year. I'm quite unsure what to make of them myself, but we'll attempt to have them sorted all the same."

McGonagall stood up and walked next to the Sorting Hat which sat atop a stool, picking it up. She glanced at a list and briefly raised an eyebrow before speaking.

"When I call your name, you will sit upon this stool. I will place the Sorting hat atop your head, and you will be sorted into a house."

McGonagall frowned as she looked at the list, her apparent confusion evident.

"The names are not in alphabetical order for some reason. Very well...Vegeta!"

Vegeta gave a huff as he approached the stool.

"I'm a Saiyan elite! I don't sit in stools like this!"

"You WILL sit, or you WILL get kicked out of this school before you're even sorted!"

Vegeta looked like he was about to fart, or was intensely concentrating on something, but he quickly relaxed. Muttering about dragon balls and stupid wishes, he nodded, and had the Sorting Hat placed upon his head. He gave a grunt when the hat started talking to him.

"I've never even heard of anyone like you before," The Hat said, "I don't even think you're from this world..."

"I'm not!" Vegeta roared. "Now as prince of all Saiyans, I demand you get this over with immediately!"

"Very well! It just so happens that I've been told by a very powerful individual to create a new house this year. You're going to be the first member of...BULLSHIT!"

The Great Hall fell silent for a few moments, and then nearly every student began laughing. A new table and banners materialized on the far left side of the Hall as the room magically stretched to accommodate them during the uproar. The banners each had a lightning bolt as its symbol. Vegeta took no notice of the impressive magic, however, as he began firing energy blasts randomly, turning the laughter into shouts of terror.

"That's ENOUGH!" Dumbledore said as he fired over 9000 spells at once towards Vegeta, managing to stop his attack. "Mr. Vegeta, will you kindly make your way towards your House, before you kill any more students?"

Vegeta took a look at his handiwork. Half of Slytherin Table was destroyed, and 20,000 Slytherins had been vaporized. Smirking, he sat down at the new Bullshit House Table.

"Right...Nappa!" McGonagall said.

Nappa walked up to the stool and repeated the process.

"Ah, you're from the same universe as that other guy. I don't know why he's doing this, sending you guys here, demanding that I start a new House, but you smell like...BULLSHIT!"

"Hey, I don't smell like bull's shit, you piece of trash!" Nappa roared as he began trying to tear the Hat.

The Hat was not amused. In a sudden flash, Nappa was teleported to the proper table, but with his head and butt reversed. Vegeta and most of the Hall burst into laughter once again.

"Damn you Vegeta..." Nappa complained as Dumbledore set him right with a spell.

McGonagall cleared her throat, silencing the room.

"...Joker."

The Joker slowly walked up to the stool, glancing at everyone. McGonagall warily placed the Hat on his head.

"Well...you're...odd."

"Is it the scar? Ya wanna know how I got it?"

"I've never sorted anyone as crazy as you, and I once sorted the boy that would become Lord Voldemort! You're so off the wall that I have to place you in...BULLSHIT!"

Joker took the hat off and gave a bow. He walked over to Bullshit Table and sat on the far side, away from Vegeta and Nappa. He then pulled a triggering device out of his suit and pressed it. Another quarter of Slytherin Table blew up, killing Crabbe, Goyle, and 10,000 other Slytherins. The Hall just stared at him. The Joker pointed at the charred ruins of Slytherin Table.

"They looked at me funny."

Hogwarts shook as everyone made a collective face palm. After everyone recovered from the outlandish gesture, McGonagall returned her attention to the list.

"Hinata Hyuuga."

The kunoichi nervously approached the stool and sat on it. McGonagall could instantly tell she was different than the other unusual First Years.

"Nothing to worry about, dear..." McGonagall said as she placed the hat on her head.

"Hmm? You're not from this universe either." The Hat began.

"No...I'm not." Hinata replied.

"I placed the others in Bullshit House...but I think, given your past, and what you want to do with your life, that you'd actually be better off in...GRYF-"

The Hat suddenly fell silent as if an invisible hand had covered its mouth. The Great Hall began shaking lightly as a swirling black and yellow vortex opened up in the middle of enchanted ceiling. A figure suddenly dropped out of it, landing nimbly on his feet. He was eighteen years old, six feet tall, had brown hair and eyes, light tan skin, and was wearing a black trench coat and a yellow pants, shirt, and shoes. A katana sword was on his waist.

Everyone in the hall glanced at the even more unusual newcomer with trepidation. Dumbledore was the first to risk words with the figure.

"Welcome to Hogwarts. May I ask your name, sir?"

The figure took a glance around, smirking at the damage Vegeta and the Joker had caused to Slytherin Table, and winking at Hinata.

"My name, you old puppet master wanna-be, is Agent Lightning, Agent of Chaos and King of Bullshit."

Everyone present at Trelawney's prophecy announcement last year widened their eyes. And it was Severus Snape of all people who said what they were all thinking:

"Oh shit..."

To Be Continued...400 trillion years from now...


End file.
